Traumatic Threes

I taught the three-year-old turning four-year-old class for many years. In some settings, it is called Preschool others Pre-K 3, but in all settings, the same thing is happening, and parents are often not prepared.  During pregnancy, parents are often warned about sleepless nights during the first few month, the challenges they will face once their child was mobile and the dreaded terrible twos. Often left out is what I nick-named the traumatic (dramatic) threes.

Three-year-olds are developing a variety of skills at this age and a flair for the dramatic is one of them. A broken cookie, two foods touching on a plate or a friend not wanting to play the same game can result in a complete breakdown. The world is ending as far as the three-year-old is concerned. For parents of threes in preschool, this can often lead to the statement, "I don't want to go to school."

So what is going on developmentally that is the trigger for all these reactions. Parents are often confused believing that because their child has a more extensive vocabulary than they did just a year ago they have also developed the social-emotional skills to match. I often hear parents say, "But they went to school last year, I just wasn't expecting this." or "They used to play so nicely together, what is going on."

What is going on is actually a sign of developmental growth! Children move through various stages of play. In most 2-3-year-old classes, children are engaged in parallel or associative play.
In parallel play, children play next to each other but not the same activity. In associative play, they will be playing the same game or activity but not working together. You may see several children in the block center building, they all may say they are building farms, but they are working independently.

It is the next stage of play that brings so much frustration to the Pre K 3 class as those students go from 3 to 4 years-of-age and enter the cooperative play stage. They are navigating playing together and trying to play cooperatively. To add to the challenge, as with all stages of development, they are not all doing it at the same time.

Picture yourself at work, and your team is assigned a new project. You have to determine the project leader, the plan of action, consider everyone's input and complete the project. Does this ever go smoothly even for adults? Does everyone at the table have the same skill set?

Now imagine that you are 3 or 4, with developing social skills and someone suggests you build a farm in the block center. The children need to negotiate how who and what together, often resulting in someone having hurt feelings.


Their idea was rejected= "Nobody plays with me."

They weren't chosen to put the block in certain place = "I never get to do what I like at school."

A classmate they often interact with outside of school is paying more attention to another child or does not what to leave another learning center they are engaged in = "He/she won't be my friend."

This struggle is a typical part of child development and learning to manage those feelings and work through them helps build resilience. A skill all people need. Sometimes when the teacher does not make the other child comply with your child's wishes, it becomes, "Mrs. Fortier wouldn't let me put the block on top, she's mean!"

You child's teacher will help the classmates negotiate these tricky situations, often supplying appropriate language and dialogue. They may step in to help with negotiations. Asking questions, "If Hanah builds the door what part can Jay build?"  This type of negotiation is challenging for young children who want to do it all, set all the parameters and are asked to compromise. Until they get enough practice, some children feel they are being reprimanded when they are not. We all went through this as children and learned to problem solve so we could play together.
Remember the child who took their ball and went home, ending the game. They never learned to play cooperatively!

Listen to your child, validate their feelings. Use words like frustrated or upsetting. Also, remind them that friends can play in different activities and still be friends. Reinforce that they may sometimes have to wait until another classmate is done to use a material before they can use it. Remind them that sometimes we will use their ideas and sometimes we will use another classmate's idea, and that is okay. Receiving a consistent message at home and school will help your child build the resilience they need in life, as adults we know we do not always get what we want when we want it, but it takes years to develop that skill. We need to start in early childhood.

Copyright 2017  © Michele Fortier 

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