SNOW DAY!

It has been too long since I wrote for this Blog. This pandemic caused a shift in priorities. I am also the Executive Director of a non-profit preschool, and when we closed on March 13th, I believed it would be for three weeks. We didn’t reopen until September. Figuring out how to do that safely was my priority.

 

When the forecast for a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast was predicted for this week; I knew I would have to make a decision I had not faced before as the Executive Director.  If we had to close due to snow accumulations and unsafe road conditions, would we have a remote learning day? My answer was a clear and resounding NO!

 

In my mind, snow days are treasured gifts here in the Northeast. When I was a child, we had rituals if we knew a snow day was possible to try to ensure we would have the day off.  Wearing your pajamas inside and backward was the ritual I grew up with. During my teaching career, I learned of others, such as placing a spoon under your pillow or an ice cube in the toilet!

 

For the children in my school now, ages 2 1/2 to 6, for many of them, this is the first major snow accumulation they will have seen. I remember the look of wonder on my young children’s faces the first time they saw snow past their knees. I was not letting the pandemic take another thing from these children. What discoveries and the memories they will make building a snowman, chasing their dogs, or creating a snow angel are so much more valuable than any zoom lesson today.

 

Parents, if you live in an area that received snow, take your children out to play in this winter wonderland today!

 

 

Mutual Respect

Mutual Respect

How do children learn mutual respect? Through play!  Child-directed play is the most valuable use of time for a child’s education. Particularly for our youngest children. Child initiated and directed games allows them to create the rules. Children may create a unique game or play a more traditional game such a tag.  They often make up their own rules to determine who will be “it” or what counts as a tag. Younger children often cast each other in roles for play. Together they must agree upon the limits of these roles and the rules. Jean Piaget called this learning “mutual respect.”  Mutual respect is when one child makes a rule; the others agree to follow. At another time, when another child creates a rule, the rule-maker must follow.

We all remember the kid from the neighborhood who well into elementary school was still developing mutual respect. They wanted to change the rules every time it looked like they were going to lose to the frustration of everyone playing.

How do we help our children develop these skills? We stay out of the way!

We don’t schedule a lesson or a class every afternoon.  We allow children just to play when they come over for a playdate; no special craft project or activity needed. If we need them to be in an aftercare program, it is one where they are supervised but allowed to create their own play with open-ended materials and, if possible multiple age groups to mimic the experience of neighborhood afterschool play. If your children are in preschool or childcare, the school’s philosophy is play-based, using a child-directed approach. Children need unscheduled time to interact with their peers a develop mutual respect.

More and more, I see children frozen in the middle of a play-based classroom with open-ended materials unable to decide what to do. Or they state they are “bored” The real issue is no adult in that setting has told them what to do or what to make. They cannot enter a group of peers because they have had no practice. Adults have facilitated all their social interactions.

Keep your children safe, but stay out of their way and let them play!

Please Stop Using Behavior Charts

Please Stop Using Behavior Charts

Imagine walking into work, and there on the wall for all to see is a chart that indicates you and your co-worker’s job performance and communication skills. Your boss is going to use it to display how you are doing throughout the day as you move from task to task, and everyone in your department gets to watch.  I believe we would all agree that it would be humiliating and a poor motivational tool.

 Unfortunately, behavior charts in schools and at home are the same thing. The trend of their use is growing, and I am seeing them in preschool classrooms. Behavior charts started under the false premise that earning a star or staying out of the “red zone” would entice a child to change their behavior. As an educator who is guilty of trying a behavior chart once in my career many years ago, I can share it didn’t take long for me to recognize it was not doing what I wanted it to do or what proponents told me it would do. All it did was make it clear to everyone in the room that “Tammy” was never going to earn a star. Not for lack of trying, just because she did not have the skill set yet.

Children this age are still developing self-regulation skills. Adults need to be modeling appropriate behaviors and encouraging children to make the appropriate choice. We want children to be intrinsically motivated to make the right choice. To make the appropriate choice because it feels good to them, and they have a sense of value and purpose.

When a misbehaving child in a classroom moves their name clip from green to yellow or red, all we have done is publicly shamed them for behavior they have yet to develop the skills to control. If everyone else earns a sticker for doing the “right thing” but one or two children, again, all we have done is a shame the child. In Crime, shame, and reintegration,  Braithwaite discusses the empirical evidence that we need to stop shaming young children. It is a form of punishment that affects their view of how the world sees them and what they believe about their personal value for the rest of their lives.

But what about the charts parents use at home where their child is earning stars for appropriate behavior and get a reward for earning a specified amount. Unfortunately, these are no better. When we reward children for a change in their behavior, we are essentially bribing them for their behavior. Your child may seem to be happily complying, but it is for the prize not because they want to change their behavior. We have missed the opportunity to instill values and are inadvertently teaching our children only to behave when they can benefit from it. I have overheard children ask their parents what their payment will be for compliance.

Parent- “We need to go to the store after school.”

Child- “I wanted to go to the park.”

Parent- “I am sorry, but I need to go to the store.”

Child- “ What will you buy me since I don’t get to go to the park.”

This was an exchange between a 5-year-old and their parent, what do you think the conversations will be like when they hit the teenage years!

So what do we do instead?

Experiments with children have shown time and again that extrinsic motivation, such as earning a reward, can undermine intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when we do things because they bring us internal satisfaction, they feed our curiosity, or we have developed a conscious that helps us navigate right from wrong.

Our role as educators and parents is to use positive discipline to help children develop self-regulation skills. When children misbehave, they are looking to fill a need and do not know the socially acceptable way to do it.

By setting clear expectations from an early age and using positive directives: telling the child what to do instead of what not to do, we help them develop that skill set.

When a child takes another child’s toy, we as adults need to explain clearly. “ Tommy is using the toy. You need to ask him if you can use it when he is done.”

“Please walk.”

“I need you to hold my hand while we cross the street.”

“When we shop today, it is for Steven’s present. Can you think of a present Steven would like.”

Moving a name clip from green to red can’t possibly teach these social skills, and there is an exceptionally high cost if children do not have these social skills before they enter kindergarten. Bettencourt, Gross & Ho, in their 2016 study found that students who do not have these skills before they enter kindergarten are 7 times more likely to be expelled, 7 times more likely to be suspended, 80% more likely to need special services, 80% more likely to repeat a grade.

Early childhood educators and parents need to invest the time to support the growth of these skills. Moving a name clip or being paid to behave never will. It takes time and effort, but the skills the children learn will benefit them their entire lives.

Parenting with Idle Treats

Parenting with Idle Threats

Please Don’t Say Things You Don’t Mean.

I was leaving the store a few days ago. As I was walking to my car, I passed two mothers and their children. Two of the children were preschool age, 3 or 4, the third was still in an infant carrier. As they were walking through the parking lot, they were setting expectations for their children’s behavior in the store. Unfortunately, what I overheard made me cringe. One mom is speaking to the other in “mom speak,” meaning she is talking to the other mom loudly enough to be sure her child hears in a tone that says you better be listening. What does she say that would make me cringe? “Don’t worry; I told him if he doesn’t behave the store people will call the police. The police will come and take them to jail. I told him I don't know why he wants that because he wouldn’t see mommy for a very long time.” Let’s break down my concerns about that statement.

1. As a parent, you have effectively given up your authority. You have announced, I do not expect you to listen to me, so I have to give someone more authority than me: store employees and the police.
2. There may be a day when you and your child are separated in the store despite your best efforts. Let’s hope it is an accident and not something more nefarious, such as a kidnapping attempt. The preschool years are the age when you should be teaching your children to seek store personnel, security guards, police if they are separated from you. Please don’t create the unnecessary fear that they will go to jail. By the way, they have no understanding of what prison is at this age unless they have some reason to have real-life experience visiting a jail.
3. Your child will eventually figure out you are lying to them about being arrested for not behaving in a store.  When they do, they have no reason to behave.

So what do you do instead?  Set clear expectations for behavior. This may occur at home before you leave the house or on the trip to the store. Have a chat with your child where you describe what they can expect at the store 

1. Why are you going to the store?  Are you shopping for new shoes for them, a gift for someone else, a birthday cake for grandma, a new light for the kitchen?
2. Can they expect to get anything on this trip? Your child does not need to be paid to shop with you by receiving something on every trip. There is a valuable lesson in learning to do for others and living within the family budget.
3. Where are they expected to be as you move through the store? Is your child holding your hand, holding onto the shopping cart, remaining in their stroller?
4. Give your child choices throughout the process.
5. Consequences must be directly linked to the behavior. While shopping,  you may need to leave the store or your child doesn’t get to help pick out an item

The discussion may sound like this. We are going to the store today to pick out a toy for your friend Steven’s birthday. Steven’s dad told me he likes to play with blocks. You can help me pick out blocks for him. We are only shopping for Steven today. Remember you get presents on your birthday. When we get to the store, do you want to hold my hand or hold onto the shopping cart?

Your child will test the sincerity of your convictions. I have left the store with a child who decided they were going to have a tantrum in the store about me not buying them something they wanted. The lesson they learned was I meant what I said. Yes, it was a giant inconvenience to this working mom, but I did it.  The next time they began behaving unacceptably, I just reminded them we would leave if they didn’t stop. Because I never made idle threats, like the police will take you to jail or I would leave them, they knew I meant what I said.  I only ever had to do it once because I was consistent at home and in public. Oh and don’t worry about what other shoppers think about you leaving the store, most of them you will never see again. You will be taking your child out in public for many years to come.

Copyright 2019  © Michele Fortier Early Childhood Strategies

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without the author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

Both Sides of the Table

Both Sides of the Table

When You Hear Your Child May Need Learning Supports

I have been on both sides of the conference table. As a parent, I have received the news that the education professionals in my child’s life have determined my child may need support services. As an early educator, I have had to share that news with parents. It is a challenging uncomfortable conversation no matter which side of the table you are on.

Even with my training and degree in education, I did not see all the signs in my child. Sitting there, at that long conference table across from the child study team was overwhelming. I berated myself for missing the signs and wondered what I did wrong or could have done differently. I was relieved because my child was struggling in one area in school and it was beginning to affect their entire education. As an early childhood educator, I knew the importance and value of early intervention services. My greatest concern was I had inadvertently made my child educational experience more challenging because we didn’t intervene sooner.

Positive early experiences are essential prerequisites for later success in school, the workplace, and the community. Services to young children who have or are at risk for developmental delays have been shown to positively impact outcomes across developmental domains, including health, language and communication, cognitive development and social/emotional development. Families benefit from early intervention by being able to better meet their children’s special needs from an early age and throughout their lives. Benefits to society include reducing economic burden through a decreased need for special education. Source: nectac,  The National Early Childhood Technical Assistance Center July 2011

Now in my role as the director of an early education program my staff and I work diligently to make sure none of our students fall through the cracks. We have tough conversations with parents about signs of developmental or learning delays. Some families welcome our insight and seek intervention. Others are convinced their child needs more time and will eventually catch up. Other are insulted or angry and remove their child from the program.

I understand all these responses. It is overwhelming to get this news. Sometimes it feels like it is coming out of the blue, but with some reflection, you recognize that the signs were always there. As staff describe behaviors or learning concerns, parents often state we do not know what to do. My response is we don’t expect you to have the answers. That is why we are asking you to partner with us to seek support services. We are having these conversations because all our tried and true methods of addressing a concern have been unsuccessful.

As parents of young children, we need to hear what the professionals are trying to share and trust their expertise. Professionals want what is best for your child and know that now is the time for interventions services. Waiting can affect your child by fourth grade. (National Institutes of Health)

As educators of young children, we need to share our concerns with parents and be brave enough to have tough conversations about their child’s development when needed. They often just do not know what to do or what is developmentally appropriate. Some children have difficulty only in a classroom environment.  We need to raise awareness of their child's needs and provide appropriate guidance to all the services that are provided today. We need to provide assurances that their child will not be ostracized. I try to re-frame our request for parents by asking if we were asking for a vision screening or speech screening would they even hesitate to take action.

We need to always do what is best for the child no matter what our role. Parent, teacher or director.

Copyright 2019  © Michele Fortier Early Childhood Strategies

All Right Reserved

 Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without the author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

But I Don’t Want to Hug Grandma

How do we balance teaching our children to set personal boundaries and their loved ones need for simple affection?

As the mother of 3 children, all adults now, and someone who has worked in the field of early education for over 30 years I can assure you children are born with their own temperaments and there is nothing we are going to do to change them. This can be challenging in a family of huggers; people who greet everyone at every occasion with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, when one of your children temperaments make them very uncomfortable with this family greeting. 

Some humans are naturally more inclined to be physically affectionate than others and we need to respect those boundaries beginning at a very young age. We also may need to explain to other adults that they need to also.

One of my children during their early childhood years was not much of a hugger or snuggler *. When we would visit relatives they would often try to encourage a kiss or a hug upon arrival or departure. This particular child was just not comfortable doing that. What often made matters worse at the larger family gathering would be the comparisons made to cuddle bug cousins. The grandchild that would cover grandpa’s face in kisses and spend most of the visit on their lap.

As a parent, I would need to explain that it was not a personal affront to the adult. It was just not something my child was comfortable with. There can be many reasons for a child to be uncomfortable but I also had many reasons as to why I was not going to force my child.

A child’s reasons may include just being overwhelmed upon arrival. The boisterous greetings or volume of the gathering may be overwhelming. They may just be sensitive to touch or smell. They may not like the feel of a beard or the scent of tobacco or perfume. As I child I despised the way my Italian grandmother pinched my cheeks until they hurt every time she greeted me.

My reasons included wanting my children to be able to set personal boundaries from a young age. I was teaching my children about consent from the time they could talk. Adults, no matter who they were, could not demand hugs, kisses, cuddles or touch my child without their consent. No, it did not matter that is was a relative asking.

Maybe it was all the training I received on preventing, recognizing and reporting abuse but I knew that allowing any adult to ignore my child’s no in this instance meant opening the door for any adult with bad intentions. Young children cannot make that distinction.

So what did I do? I still participated in and modeled the family greeting. I wanted my child to see my enthusiasm for being with family or friends I cared about.  I offered my child the option to participate when we were leaving after they had the opportunity to interact with everyone. I never made excuses for the behavior, I labeled it for what it was. “Looks like she doesn’t want to give hugs right now.” I did not allow others to try and shame my child into participating. Forced hugs have no meaning. We came up with alternate greetings. Blowing a kiss was often an acceptable alternative.

By the time my child was 5 or 6, they were much more comfortable with the family greeting of hugs and kisses. It started slowly at first with those we spent the most time with and grew from there.

It can be challenging to find the balance of family expectations and your child needs. Especially if not giving a hug or kiss is seen lack of affection for family members. Being your child’s advocate and explaining that when the hugs and kisses come naturally from the child in the future while you balance lessons in consent from a young age it will all be worth it.

*All stories shared about my children have their approval.

Copyright 2018  © Michele Fortier Early Childhood Strategies

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without the author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

 http://www.earlychildhoodstrategies.com/michele@earlychildhoodstrategies.com

Who Will Be My Child's Teacher

Here in New Jersey, the last days of summer are upon us. Soon it will be Labor Day and that means the start of a new school year. Every parent and child are waiting with baited breath to find out who their teacher or teachers will be for the school year. As a teacher, it was always hard for me to listen to other parents as they discussed what teacher they did or did not what for their child in the upcoming school year. Now I am not saying that all teachers are wonderful. As in any other profession, there are few that are just not good at their jobs. I believe those teachers should be removed from their classrooms and the profession. Most teachers genuinely want to do what is best for every student in their class. My challenge as an educator was to listen to fellow parents make broad statements about a teacher’s disposition, especially when I knew I was also the subject of those conversations. Often the parent’s “knowledge” of the teacher typically came second hand from the other parents and was very one-sided.

This is not to say that I as a parent did not have an opinion about a teacher or have to speak to a teacher to get more information about the way a situation was handled.  But I never went into the situation thinking the teacher acted with malice.

As an educator myself, I was often the parent wanting the teacher that none of the other parents wanted. You see, I knew when the children said the teacher was “mean”, it often meant they were firm regarding the standards of behavior in their classroom. To me, that meant there would be no chaos. Time would not be wasted because the structure would allow for my child to have time to explore and learn. Lessons would never be rushed. Fun could be had because clear lines determined the boundaries of behavior.

One year when presenting at back to school night for my own class of 20 three-year-olds, I was using humor to try and keep the parents engaged. A dad casually says, “You are funny, my daughter said you were, but I didn’t believe her.” You see that dad only saw me a drop-off. A very hectic time in the preschool world. Some children may be having a hard time saying goodbye to a parent, and my gentle but firm assistance would help. Parents may be telling me about an alternate pick-up, vacation or the contents of their child’s lunch box. All the while I must be supervising the students already in the room. Every child and parent were greeted warmly but it was quick and matter of fact. My students had a morning routine to complete as they entered the class. That was not the time of day when I brought out my silly singing voice. That father had taken the few minutes he saw me in the morning when it was his turn to drop-off and defined who I was with those brief encounters. Then when we had the opportunity to spend just a little more time together his view changed.

I invite you, parents, to keep an open mind when you get your young child’s classroom assignment for the school year. Put the rumors away because I can assure you they did not include all the facts and trust that your child has been thoughtfully placed with the correct teacher. I also invite you to look back at the teachers that challenged you during your educational career, not undermined you, but supported your growth by moving you forward. Support your child’s teacher as they look to do the same. Take the time to get to know your child’s teacher and build your own trusting relationship. Together you will ensure your child has a wonderful year of growth and learning. Hopefully through play!

Copyright 2018 © Michele Fortier Early Childhood Strategies

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without the author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.