But I Don’t Want to Hug Grandma

How do we balance teaching our children to set personal boundaries and their loved ones need for simple affection?

As the mother of 3 children, all adults now, and someone who has worked in the field of early education for over 30 years I can assure you children are born with their own temperaments and there is nothing we are going to do to change them. This can be challenging in a family of huggers; people who greet everyone at every occasion with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, when one of your children temperaments make them very uncomfortable with this family greeting. 

Some humans are naturally more inclined to be physically affectionate than others and we need to respect those boundaries beginning at a very young age. We also may need to explain to other adults that they need to also.

One of my children during their early childhood years was not much of a hugger or snuggler *. When we would visit relatives they would often try to encourage a kiss or a hug upon arrival or departure. This particular child was just not comfortable doing that. What often made matters worse at the larger family gathering would be the comparisons made to cuddle bug cousins. The grandchild that would cover grandpa’s face in kisses and spend most of the visit on their lap.

As a parent, I would need to explain that it was not a personal affront to the adult. It was just not something my child was comfortable with. There can be many reasons for a child to be uncomfortable but I also had many reasons as to why I was not going to force my child.

A child’s reasons may include just being overwhelmed upon arrival. The boisterous greetings or volume of the gathering may be overwhelming. They may just be sensitive to touch or smell. They may not like the feel of a beard or the scent of tobacco or perfume. As I child I despised the way my Italian grandmother pinched my cheeks until they hurt every time she greeted me.

My reasons included wanting my children to be able to set personal boundaries from a young age. I was teaching my children about consent from the time they could talk. Adults, no matter who they were, could not demand hugs, kisses, cuddles or touch my child without their consent. No, it did not matter that is was a relative asking.

Maybe it was all the training I received on preventing, recognizing and reporting abuse but I knew that allowing any adult to ignore my child’s no in this instance meant opening the door for any adult with bad intentions. Young children cannot make that distinction.

So what did I do? I still participated in and modeled the family greeting. I wanted my child to see my enthusiasm for being with family or friends I cared about.  I offered my child the option to participate when we were leaving after they had the opportunity to interact with everyone. I never made excuses for the behavior, I labeled it for what it was. “Looks like she doesn’t want to give hugs right now.” I did not allow others to try and shame my child into participating. Forced hugs have no meaning. We came up with alternate greetings. Blowing a kiss was often an acceptable alternative.

By the time my child was 5 or 6, they were much more comfortable with the family greeting of hugs and kisses. It started slowly at first with those we spent the most time with and grew from there.

It can be challenging to find the balance of family expectations and your child needs. Especially if not giving a hug or kiss is seen lack of affection for family members. Being your child’s advocate and explaining that when the hugs and kisses come naturally from the child in the future while you balance lessons in consent from a young age it will all be worth it.

*All stories shared about my children have their approval.

Copyright 2018  © Michele Fortier Early Childhood Strategies

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