Traumatic Threes

I taught the three-year-old turning four-year-old class for many years. In some settings, it is called Preschool others Pre-K 3, but in all settings, the same thing is happening, and parents are often not prepared.  During pregnancy, parents are often warned about sleepless nights during the first few month, the challenges they will face once their child was mobile and the dreaded terrible twos. Often left out is what I nick-named the traumatic (dramatic) threes.

Three-year-olds are developing a variety of skills at this age and a flair for the dramatic is one of them. A broken cookie, two foods touching on a plate or a friend not wanting to play the same game can result in a complete breakdown. The world is ending as far as the three-year-old is concerned. For parents of threes in preschool, this can often lead to the statement, "I don't want to go to school."

So what is going on developmentally that is the trigger for all these reactions. Parents are often confused believing that because their child has a more extensive vocabulary than they did just a year ago they have also developed the social-emotional skills to match. I often hear parents say, "But they went to school last year, I just wasn't expecting this." or "They used to play so nicely together, what is going on."

What is going on is actually a sign of developmental growth! Children move through various stages of play. In most 2-3-year-old classes, children are engaged in parallel or associative play.
In parallel play, children play next to each other but not the same activity. In associative play, they will be playing the same game or activity but not working together. You may see several children in the block center building, they all may say they are building farms, but they are working independently.

It is the next stage of play that brings so much frustration to the Pre K 3 class as those students go from 3 to 4 years-of-age and enter the cooperative play stage. They are navigating playing together and trying to play cooperatively. To add to the challenge, as with all stages of development, they are not all doing it at the same time.

Picture yourself at work, and your team is assigned a new project. You have to determine the project leader, the plan of action, consider everyone's input and complete the project. Does this ever go smoothly even for adults? Does everyone at the table have the same skill set?

Now imagine that you are 3 or 4, with developing social skills and someone suggests you build a farm in the block center. The children need to negotiate how who and what together, often resulting in someone having hurt feelings.


Their idea was rejected= "Nobody plays with me."

They weren't chosen to put the block in certain place = "I never get to do what I like at school."

A classmate they often interact with outside of school is paying more attention to another child or does not what to leave another learning center they are engaged in = "He/she won't be my friend."

This struggle is a typical part of child development and learning to manage those feelings and work through them helps build resilience. A skill all people need. Sometimes when the teacher does not make the other child comply with your child's wishes, it becomes, "Mrs. Fortier wouldn't let me put the block on top, she's mean!"

You child's teacher will help the classmates negotiate these tricky situations, often supplying appropriate language and dialogue. They may step in to help with negotiations. Asking questions, "If Hanah builds the door what part can Jay build?"  This type of negotiation is challenging for young children who want to do it all, set all the parameters and are asked to compromise. Until they get enough practice, some children feel they are being reprimanded when they are not. We all went through this as children and learned to problem solve so we could play together.
Remember the child who took their ball and went home, ending the game. They never learned to play cooperatively!

Listen to your child, validate their feelings. Use words like frustrated or upsetting. Also, remind them that friends can play in different activities and still be friends. Reinforce that they may sometimes have to wait until another classmate is done to use a material before they can use it. Remind them that sometimes we will use their ideas and sometimes we will use another classmate's idea, and that is okay. Receiving a consistent message at home and school will help your child build the resilience they need in life, as adults we know we do not always get what we want when we want it, but it takes years to develop that skill. We need to start in early childhood.

Copyright 2017  © Michele Fortier 

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

Are You Creating the Power Struggle ? Part 2

I introduced the topic of choices in my last blog. As a preschool director, I often see the adults in young children’s lives setting themselves up for a power struggle without even realizing they are doing just that. They often give the child a choice when there isn’t one.

Have you changed a statement or direction to your child into a question? “Zach, we need to get into the car and go the store, okay?” That last word, okay, is the issue. Is it really okay if your child says no? If not, you have set up the power struggle. Now you have to take away the choice, you have to tell your child saying no wasn’t actually a choice. You have misled them, now you have a power struggle on your hands. It should just end with the statement “Zach we need to get into the car and go to the store.” Of course, you let your child know that going to the store would be on the schedule today and that the time was approaching. Young children don't like to be interpreted when they are in the middle of an engaging activity, just like adults.

Do you sometimes give your young child too broad a choice? Do you ask  “What do you want for lunch?”  Is anything they think of really a choice? Offer two choice of what you can provide. “Would you like a turkey sandwich or soup for lunch?” If they request something else that is manageable, you can choose to offer it or you can say it was not a choice and repeat the choices.

My next blog will discuss how providing choices will help diffuse the power struggle started by your child.

Copyright 2017  © Michele Fortier 

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

Do You Want a Brother or Sister? ( It is not really a choice...)

Gender reveals are an exciting time for expectant parents and their families. When I was having my children determining the baby’s gender was not as accurate as it is today. My husband and I chose to be surprised at delivery. During the time in between my children’s births and today’s gender reveals I admit to feeling that the joy of the whole family finding out together was missing. I am glad to see a communal celebration of welcoming a new addition to the family has returned. My concern is with the crying older sibling I see in many social media posts. Unfortunately, it is a reflection of a common parenting misstep, giving a child a choice when there isn’t one.  

In video after video, I watch parents ask their young child if they want a brother or a sister as if they had a  choice or power over the gender. When it is not the child’s choice they are devastated, often bursting into tears. The parents are bewildered at the child’s reaction to not getting what they want, or sadly find humor in their child’s frustration.  Although their child may actually have a preference, parents need to explain clearly that the gender of their sibling is something the child nor the parents have control over, it is not a choice. A choice should not have been offered.

Are there times when you are offering your child a choice when there really isn’t one? Are you creating power struggles?  More in Part 2…..stay posted.

Copyright 2017  © Michele Fortier 

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

How Did This All Begin?

I have been part of the early childhood field since my first part-time job as an afternoon assistant while I was still in high school. I had known I wanted to be a teacher since the 6^th grade but that job introduced me to working with young students and the field of early childhood.

I received my Masters in Early Childhood Development specializing in Administration, Management, and Leadership in 2013. During that time I was required to maintain a blog. If you would like some insight on my background, teaching philosophy and course of study I invite you to take a look.  You can follow my journey to fiercely defend play. You can visit Miss Michele’s Adventures in Early Childhood https://missmicheleaec.blogspot.com/

We are All Exhausted!

The first full week of Pre-School had ended, and we are all exhausted. The children, parents, teachers, directors, and support staff, all of us! It has been an emotionally and intellectually draining week.

Whether you were the three-year-old and starting school for the first time or the teacher with many years of experience, you are exhausted. We all had a very similar experience this week no matter who we were. We all had many new names and routines to learn.

It is a week of firsts for all. Our young students may have experienced being away from their parents or primary caregiver for the first time. Parents may have entrusted their precious child to complete strangers for the first time. Teachers are nervously making that first impression to a dozen or more new families. They need to learn new schedules for their students and each child’s individual needs. What does the child enjoy doing and how they learn best, is there a food restriction? The director and her support staff are trying to remember the names of both the children and parents of every new family that has joined the school this year, and which classroom they are in. They are making schedule changes to accommodate family needs and ensuring all the correct emergency and pickup information is on file. All of this is exciting and stressful and exhausting.

Let’s take this weekend to breathe. Get some sleep, do something fun.

Parents if your child is a little out of sorts, cranky or tired, they were very busy this week. They had friendships to form, new adults to get to know and many exciting learning centers to explore. They may need a slower routine this weekend.

Teachers, directors, and support staff be mindful that this was all new to many of your families. The Parent Handbook they received is full of policies and procedure to get familiar with in addition to the stress of leaving their child in an unfamiliar environment. Especially if they cried at drop-off!

Children, this was new for your parents too! They may need extra hugs. Your teachers will know your name, which lunch box is yours and how many pets you have by the end of next week, do not worry! (Yes I know they cannot read this!)

We have had just a few days to get to know each other. It will take us a little longer to build a relationship based on trust and understanding. Every year the first week can feel overwhelming, but it is also exciting! We know that in a few short weeks, the routine will be set and the joy of watching the children grow and learn throughout the year will amaze us once again, both parents and staff.

Enjoy the weekend.

See you at school on Monday!

Copyright 2017  © Michele Fortier 

All Right Reserved

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without author's permission.   You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.