Early Childhood Strategies

Monday, February 11, 2019

Both Sides of the Table

Both Sides of the Table

When You Hear Your Child May Need Learning Supports

I have been on both sides of the conference table. As a parent, I have received the news that the education professionals in my child’s life have determined my child may need support services. As an early educator, I have had to share that news with parents. It is a challenging uncomfortable conversation no matter which side of the table you are on.

Even with my training and degree in education, I did not see all the signs in my child. Sitting there, at that long conference table across from the child study team was overwhelming. I berated myself for missing the signs and wondered what I did wrong or could have done differently. I was relieved because my child was struggling in one area in school and it was beginning to affect their entire education. As an early childhood educator, I knew the importance and value of early intervention services. My greatest concern was I had inadvertently made my child educational experience more challenging because we didn’t intervene sooner.

Positive early experiences are essential prerequisites for later success in school, the workplace, and the community. Services to young children who have or are at risk for developmental delays have been shown to positively impact outcomes across developmental domains, including health, language and communication, cognitive development and social/emotional development. Families benefit from early intervention by being able to better meet their children’s special needs from an early age and throughout their lives. Benefits to society include reducing economic burden through a decreased need for special education. Source: nectac, The National Early Childhood Technical Assistance Center July 2011

Now in my role as the director of an early education program my staff and I work diligently to make sure none of our students fall through the cracks. We have tough conversations with parents about signs of developmental or learning delays. Some families welcome our insight and seek intervention. Others are convinced their child needs more time and will eventually catch up. Other are insulted or angry and remove their child from the program.

I understand all these responses. It is overwhelming to get this news. Sometimes it feels like it is coming out of the blue, but with some reflection, you recognize that the signs were always there. As staff describe behaviors or learning concerns, parents often state we do not know what to do. My response is we don’t expect you to have the answers. That is why we are asking you to partner with us to seek support services. We are having these conversations because all our tried and true methods of addressing a concern have been unsuccessful.

As parents of young children, we need to hear what the professionals are trying to share and trust their expertise. Professionals want what is best for your child and know that now is the time for interventions services. Waiting can affect your child by fourth grade. (National Institutes of Health)

As educators of young children, we need to share our concerns with parents and be brave enough to have tough conversations about their child’s development when needed. They often just do not know what to do or what is developmentally appropriate. Some children have difficulty only in a classroom environment. We need to raise awareness of their child's needs and provide appropriate guidance to all the services that are provided today. We need to provide assurances that their child will not be ostracized. I try to re-frame our request for parents by asking if we were asking for a vision screening or speech screening would they even hesitate to take action.

We need to always do what is best for the child no matter what our role. Parent, teacher or director.

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without the author's permission. You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

Monday, November 26, 2018

But I Don’t Want to Hug Grandma

How do we balance teaching our children to set personal boundaries and their loved ones need for simple affection?

As the mother of 3 children, all adults now, and someone who has worked in the field of early education for over 30 years I can assure you children are born with their own temperaments and there is nothing we are going to do to change them. This can be challenging in a family of huggers; people who greet everyone at every occasion with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, when one of your children temperaments make them very uncomfortable with this family greeting.

Some humans are naturally more inclined to be physically affectionate than others and we need to respect those boundaries beginning at a very young age. We also may need to explain to other adults that they need to also.

One of my children during their early childhood years was not much of a hugger or snuggler *. When we would visit relatives they would often try to encourage a kiss or a hug upon arrival or departure. This particular child was just not comfortable doing that. What often made matters worse at the larger family gathering would be the comparisons made to cuddle bug cousins. The grandchild that would cover grandpa’s face in kisses and spend most of the visit on their lap.

As a parent, I would need to explain that it was not a personal affront to the adult. It was just not something my child was comfortable with. There can be many reasons for a child to be uncomfortable but I also had many reasons as to why I was not going to force my child.

A child’s reasons may include just being overwhelmed upon arrival. The boisterous greetings or volume of the gathering may be overwhelming. They may just be sensitive to touch or smell. They may not like the feel of a beard or the scent of tobacco or perfume. As I child I despised the way my Italian grandmother pinched my cheeks until they hurt every time she greeted me.

My reasons included wanting my children to be able to set personal boundaries from a young age. I was teaching my children about consent from the time they could talk. Adults, no matter who they were, could not demand hugs, kisses, cuddles or touch my child without their consent. No, it did not matter that is was a relative asking.

Maybe it was all the training I received on preventing, recognizing and reporting abuse but I knew that allowing any adult to ignore my child’s no in this instance meant opening the door for any adult with bad intentions. Young children cannot make that distinction.

So what did I do? I still participated in and modeled the family greeting. I wanted my child to see my enthusiasm for being with family or friends I cared about. I offered my child the option to participate when we were leaving after they had the opportunity to interact with everyone. I never made excuses for the behavior, I labeled it for what it was. “Looks like she doesn’t want to give hugs right now.” I did not allow others to try and shame my child into participating. Forced hugs have no meaning. We came up with alternate greetings. Blowing a kiss was often an acceptable alternative.

By the time my child was 5 or 6, they were much more comfortable with the family greeting of hugs and kisses. It started slowly at first with those we spent the most time with and grew from there.

It can be challenging to find the balance of family expectations and your child needs. Especially if not giving a hug or kiss is seen lack of affection for family members. Being your child’s advocate and explaining that when the hugs and kisses come naturally from the child in the future while you balance lessons in consent from a young age it will all be worth it.

*All stories shared about my children have their approval.

http://www.earlychildhoodstrategies.com/michele@earlychildhoodstrategies.com

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Who Will Be My Child's Teacher

Here in New Jersey, the last days of summer are upon us. Soon it will be Labor Day and that means the start of a new school year. Every parent and child are waiting with baited breath to find out who their teacher or teachers will be for the school year. As a teacher, it was always hard for me to listen to other parents as they discussed what teacher they did or did not what for their child in the upcoming school year. Now I am not saying that all teachers are wonderful. As in any other profession, there are few that are just not good at their jobs. I believe those teachers should be removed from their classrooms and the profession. Most teachers genuinely want to do what is best for every student in their class. My challenge as an educator was to listen to fellow parents make broad statements about a teacher’s disposition, especially when I knew I was also the subject of those conversations. Often the parent’s “knowledge” of the teacher typically came second hand from the other parents and was very one-sided.

This is not to say that I as a parent did not have an opinion about a teacher or have to speak to a teacher to get more information about the way a situation was handled. But I never went into the situation thinking the teacher acted with malice.

As an educator myself, I was often the parent wanting the teacher that none of the other parents wanted. You see, I knew when the children said the teacher was “mean”, it often meant they were firm regarding the standards of behavior in their classroom. To me, that meant there would be no chaos. Time would not be wasted because the structure would allow for my child to have time to explore and learn. Lessons would never be rushed. Fun could be had because clear lines determined the boundaries of behavior.

One year when presenting at back to school night for my own class of 20 three-year-olds, I was using humor to try and keep the parents engaged. A dad casually says, “You are funny, my daughter said you were, but I didn’t believe her.” You see that dad only saw me a drop-off. A very hectic time in the preschool world. Some children may be having a hard time saying goodbye to a parent, and my gentle but firm assistance would help. Parents may be telling me about an alternate pick-up, vacation or the contents of their child’s lunch box. All the while I must be supervising the students already in the room. Every child and parent were greeted warmly but it was quick and matter of fact. My students had a morning routine to complete as they entered the class. That was not the time of day when I brought out my silly singing voice. That father had taken the few minutes he saw me in the morning when it was his turn to drop-off and defined who I was with those brief encounters. Then when we had the opportunity to spend just a little more time together his view changed.

I invite you, parents, to keep an open mind when you get your young child’s classroom assignment for the school year. Put the rumors away because I can assure you they did not include all the facts and trust that your child has been thoughtfully placed with the correct teacher. I also invite you to look back at the teachers that challenged you during your educational career, not undermined you, but supported your growth by moving you forward. Support your child’s teacher as they look to do the same. Take the time to get to know your child’s teacher and build your own trusting relationship. Together you will ensure your child has a wonderful year of growth and learning. Hopefully through play!

Thursday, April 5, 2018

My Curious Child Balancing Your Child’s Natural Curiosity and Teaching Self- Control

My Curious Child

Balancing Your Child’s Natural Curiosity and Teaching Self- Control

Children are born with an innate curiosity. The world is one enormous science experiment and children are always working to figure out how the everything around them works. As infants, they mouth everything and the adults in their lives are diligent to make sure they are safe. We keep sharp or poisonous objects out of their reach. We make sure friends and families possessions do not get into our little one's hands. Soon enough they are mobile crawling, toddling and eventually walking. With access to technology the world available to explore has now grown exponentially. There is so much more to be curious about and it is also the perfect time to begin teaching your child self-regulation skills.

Throughout my career in the field of early education and as a parent, preserving a child’s natural curiosity has always been a goal. Finding the balance between letting my child explore the world and learn their limits and helping them develop self-regulation skills is a challenge. Research in the field of brain development has shown the importance of adults helping children develop self- control and their ability to learn and problem solve later in life. Without the ability to set priorities and resist impulsive actions children will have difficulty learning and making healthy choices later in life.

While wanting to learn about the parts of a flower is fascinating, children need to learn that picking the flowers out of the neighbors garden or any public place is not the appropriate way to sate their curiosity. Learning the properties of water by pouring and using a funnel is fascinating, empty so much water over the side of the tub that it causes damage to the floor is not appropriate. These examples demonstrate ways that we can help our young children learn self-regulation skills. While they may be curious and supporting that curiosity is important so is facilitating the learning of impulse control and appropriate social behavior.

Often I hear parents excuse behavior if it does not do what they deem “real” damage. The unfortunate consequence of this is the missed opportunities to help children develop these very important skills. So the next time your child wants to pick apart a flower from the neighbors garden explain why it is not an appropriate choice but picking one from the family garden or buying one from a store would be a better option. Your child has the opportunity to learn patience and delayed gratification. Then let your budding horticulturist have a wonderful time taking apart the flower as you describe all the parts using their scientific names!

Sitting in the tub or outside with some basin of water will provide the same opportunity for your child to learn how liquids take on the shape of their container, what objects will float or sink when placed in water and just how much fun it is to splash without cause damage to your home. Let your future water scientist get soaked!

Finding the balance while parenting is always the challenge but nurturing curiosity and teaching self-regulation are of equal value.

Please do not sell, post, curate, publish, or distribute all or any part of this article without author's permission. You are invited, however, to share a link to this post on your web page, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social networking sites.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Traumatic Threes

I taught the three-year-old turning four-year-old class for many years. In some settings, it is called Preschool others Pre-K 3, but in all settings, the same thing is happening, and parents are often not prepared. During pregnancy, parents are often warned about sleepless nights during the first few month, the challenges they will face once their child was mobile and the dreaded terrible twos. Often left out is what I nick-named the traumatic (dramatic) threes.

Three-year-olds are developing a variety of skills at this age and a flair for the dramatic is one of them. A broken cookie, two foods touching on a plate or a friend not wanting to play the same game can result in a complete breakdown. The world is ending as far as the three-year-old is concerned. For parents of threes in preschool, this can often lead to the statement, "I don't want to go to school."

So what is going on developmentally that is the trigger for all these reactions. Parents are often confused believing that because their child has a more extensive vocabulary than they did just a year ago they have also developed the social-emotional skills to match. I often hear parents say, "But they went to school last year, I just wasn't expecting this." or "They used to play so nicely together, what is going on."

What is going on is actually a sign of developmental growth! Children move through various stages of play. In most 2-3-year-old classes, children are engaged in parallel or associative play.
In parallel play, children play next to each other but not the same activity. In associative play, they will be playing the same game or activity but not working together. You may see several children in the block center building, they all may say they are building farms, but they are working independently.

It is the next stage of play that brings so much frustration to the Pre K 3 class as those students go from 3 to 4 years-of-age and enter the cooperative play stage. They are navigating playing together and trying to play cooperatively. To add to the challenge, as with all stages of development, they are not all doing it at the same time.

Picture yourself at work, and your team is assigned a new project. You have to determine the project leader, the plan of action, consider everyone's input and complete the project. Does this ever go smoothly even for adults? Does everyone at the table have the same skill set?

Now imagine that you are 3 or 4, with developing social skills and someone suggests you build a farm in the block center. The children need to negotiate how who and what together, often resulting in someone having hurt feelings.

Their idea was rejected= "Nobody plays with me."

They weren't chosen to put the block in certain place = "I never get to do what I like at school."

A classmate they often interact with outside of school is paying more attention to another child or does not what to leave another learning center they are engaged in = "He/she won't be my friend."

This struggle is a typical part of child development and learning to manage those feelings and work through them helps build resilience. A skill all people need. Sometimes when the teacher does not make the other child comply with your child's wishes, it becomes, "Mrs. Fortier wouldn't let me put the block on top, she's mean!"

You child's teacher will help the classmates negotiate these tricky situations, often supplying appropriate language and dialogue. They may step in to help with negotiations. Asking questions, "If Hanah builds the door what part can Jay build?" This type of negotiation is challenging for young children who want to do it all, set all the parameters and are asked to compromise. Until they get enough practice, some children feel they are being reprimanded when they are not. We all went through this as children and learned to problem solve so we could play together.
Remember the child who took their ball and went home, ending the game. They never learned to play cooperatively!

Listen to your child, validate their feelings. Use words like frustrated or upsetting. Also, remind them that friends can play in different activities and still be friends. Reinforce that they may sometimes have to wait until another classmate is done to use a material before they can use it. Remind them that sometimes we will use their ideas and sometimes we will use another classmate's idea, and that is okay. Receiving a consistent message at home and school will help your child build the resilience they need in life, as adults we know we do not always get what we want when we want it, but it takes years to develop that skill. We need to start in early childhood.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Are You Creating the Power Struggle ? Part 2

I introduced the topic of choices in my last blog. As a preschool director, I often see the adults in young children’s lives setting themselves up for a power struggle without even realizing they are doing just that. They often give the child a choice when there isn’t one.

Have you changed a statement or direction to your child into a question? “Zach, we need to get into the car and go the store, okay?” That last word, okay, is the issue. Is it really okay if your child says no? If not, you have set up the power struggle. Now you have to take away the choice, you have to tell your child saying no wasn’t actually a choice. You have misled them, now you have a power struggle on your hands. It should just end with the statement “Zach we need to get into the car and go to the store.” Of course, you let your child know that going to the store would be on the schedule today and that the time was approaching. Young children don't like to be interpreted when they are in the middle of an engaging activity, just like adults.

Do you sometimes give your young child too broad a choice? Do you ask “What do you want for lunch?” Is anything they think of really a choice? Offer two choice of what you can provide. “Would you like a turkey sandwich or soup for lunch?” If they request something else that is manageable, you can choose to offer it or you can say it was not a choice and repeat the choices.

My next blog will discuss how providing choices will help diffuse the power struggle started by your child.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Do You Want a Brother or Sister? ( It is not really a choice...)

Gender reveals are an exciting time for expectant parents and their families. When I was having my children determining the baby’s gender was not as accurate as it is today. My husband and I chose to be surprised at delivery. During the time in between my children’s births and today’s gender reveals I admit to feeling that the joy of the whole family finding out together was missing. I am glad to see a communal celebration of welcoming a new addition to the family has returned. My concern is with the crying older sibling I see in many social media posts. Unfortunately, it is a reflection of a common parenting misstep, giving a child a choice when there isn’t one.

In video after video, I watch parents ask their young child if they want a brother or a sister as if they had a choice or power over the gender. When it is not the child’s choice they are devastated, often bursting into tears. The parents are bewildered at the child’s reaction to not getting what they want, or sadly find humor in their child’s frustration. Although their child may actually have a preference, parents need to explain clearly that the gender of their sibling is something the child nor the parents have control over, it is not a choice. A choice should not have been offered.

Are there times when you are offering your child a choice when there really isn’t one? Are you creating power struggles? More in Part 2…..stay posted.