Parenting with Idle Threats
Please Don’t Say Things You Don’t Mean.
I was leaving the
store a few days ago. As I was walking to my car, I passed two mothers and
their children. Two of the children were preschool age, 3 or 4, the third was
still in an infant carrier. As they were walking through the parking lot, they
were setting expectations for their children’s behavior in the store.
Unfortunately, what I overheard made me cringe. One mom is speaking to the
other in “mom speak,” meaning she is talking to the other mom loudly enough to
be sure her child hears in a tone that says you better be listening. What does
she say that would make me cringe? “Don’t worry; I told him if he doesn’t
behave the store people will call the police. The police will come and take
them to jail. I told him I don't know why he wants that because he wouldn’t see
mommy for a very long time.” Let’s break down my concerns about that statement.
- As a parent, you have effectively given up your authority. You have announced, I do not expect you to listen to me, so I have to give someone more authority than me: store employees and the police.
- There may be a day when you and your child are separated in the store despite your best efforts. Let’s hope it is an accident and not something more nefarious, such as a kidnapping attempt. The preschool years are the age when you should be teaching your children to seek store personnel, security guards, police if they are separated from you. Please don’t create the unnecessary fear that they will go to jail. By the way, they have no understanding of what prison is at this age unless they have some reason to have real-life experience visiting a jail.
- Your child will eventually figure out you are lying to them about being arrested for not behaving in a store. When they do, they have no reason to behave.
So what do you do
instead? Set clear expectations for
behavior. This may occur at home before you leave the house or on the trip to
the store. Have a chat with your child where you describe what they can expect
at the store
- Why are you going to the store? Are you shopping for new shoes for them, a gift for someone else, a birthday cake for grandma, a new light for the kitchen?
- Can they expect to get anything on this trip? Your child does not need to be paid to shop with you by receiving something on every trip. There is a valuable lesson in learning to do for others and living within the family budget.
- Where are they expected to be as you move through the store? Is your child holding your hand, holding onto the shopping cart, remaining in their stroller?
- Give your child choices throughout the process.
- Consequences must be directly linked to the behavior. While shopping, you may need to leave the store or your child doesn’t get to help pick out an item
The discussion may
sound like this. We are going to the
store today to pick out a toy for your friend Steven’s birthday. Steven’s dad
told me he likes to play with blocks. You can help me pick out blocks for him.
We are only shopping for Steven today. Remember you get presents on your
birthday. When we get to the store, do you want to hold my hand or hold onto
the shopping cart?
Your child will test
the sincerity of your convictions. I have left the store with a child who
decided they were going to have a tantrum in the store about me not buying them
something they wanted. The lesson they learned was I meant what I said. Yes, it
was a giant inconvenience to this working mom, but I did it. The next time they began behaving
unacceptably, I just reminded them we would leave if they didn’t stop. Because
I never made idle threats, like the police will take you to jail or I would
leave them, they knew I meant what I said.
I only ever had to do it once because I was consistent at home and in
public. Oh and don’t worry about what other shoppers think about you leaving
the store, most of them you will never see again. You will be taking your child
out in public for many years to come.
Copyright
2019 © Michele Fortier Early Childhood
Strategies
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